1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER, EVER go check to see if it’s really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even just mumbling to yourself, if you can’t read silently you have no business with such a thing anyway!
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your pets speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone or even pair off.
6. As a general rule, don’t try to solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, lights go on and off, a fire just appears in the hearth, or doors open and close by themselves - do not check for drafts, do not check for short circuits; just get out!
10. Why, why, why would you even think of sleeping in that house if that happened?
11. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
12. If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Don’t stop and look around!
13. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing. And even if you’re sure you know what you’re doing, just don’t fool with it!
14. If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
15. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
16. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
17. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
19. When the exorcist/whatever declares the house is “clear”, your troubles have just begun.
20. Never look under the stairs. or the bed. or in the closet. or the cellar, attic…..you get the idea.
21. Don’t take anything back to the lab that looks like it might hatch real soon - especially if it is transparent, something inside is moving, or it appears to be lighted from within. In the same vein, never bend over to look into anything that looks like an opening egg.
22. If you don’t want to be chased by the monster (or serial killer, shark, alien, giant snake, radioactive ants, etc.)…don’t wear skimpy clothes or wet T-shirts.
23. If you are being chased by a car, don’t run into the building, the car will corner you and rev it’s engine menacingly before destroying the house, business, police station, etc. Whereas, if you just run down the road it can’t catch you.
24. Never unwrap the mummy. (See……..Always good to have duct tape on-hand just in case something unravels)
25. Going faster than some barrier: sound, light, gossip…is generally bad news for someone somewhere.
26. When flying on an airplane, at night, in a storm, don’t raise the shade to see what that noise out on the wing was.
27. Don’t talk to sheriffs wearing reflecting sunglasses in towns that are so small the gas station has one pump.
28. Silver works - garlic doesn’t.
29. If someone says “Don’t open it”, then DON’T OPEN IT!!!!
30. If someone says “RUN!!” Don’t stop to figure out what you are running from. Just get out of there as fast as possible.
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