1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER, EVER go check to see if it’s really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even just mumbling to yourself, if you can’t read silently you have no business with such a thing anyway!

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your pets speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER split up and go it alone or even pair off.

6. As a general rule, don’t try to solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, lights go on and off, a fire just appears in the hearth, or doors open and close by themselves – do not check for drafts, do not check for short circuits; just get out!

10. Why, why, why would you even think of sleeping in that house if that happened?

Wal-Mart is refusing to sell George Carlin’s new book “When Does Jesus Bring The Porkchops” in its stores, insisting that it would not appeal to a majority of its customers. Wal-Mart objects to the cover of the book, which depicts a parody of da Vinci’s The Last Supper with George Carlin, taking the place of one of the apostles, sitting next to an empty chair where the figure of Jesus is depicted in the original painting.

This comes only a few days after Wal-Mart banned Jon Stewart’s new book America (The Book) because it contained a faked nude photo of the members of the Supreme Court. Although the book includes cut-outs of judicial robes so that the reader can “restore their dignity,” Wal-Mart cancelled its order.

Wal-Mart will continue to sell both books through their web site. Wal-Mart spokeswoman Karen Burk insists that people who buy products from Wal-Mart online are a “different audience.”

Personally, I think Wal-Mart needs to find a sense of humor. Why in hell did America find a collective need to become so serious? Has political correctness completely destroyed our ability to laugh at ourselves?

Carlin spokesman Jeff Abraham said

They did not like the cover [of the Carlin book] because it was a parody. George attacks everything in this book, but it does not have any nude photos. He said he thought the title would offend everyone.

Good call, George! 😆

Salon reports that Dr. Robert M. Nelson, a NASA research scientist who is currently involved in analyzing digital photos of Titan, agrees with me that Dubya’s back bulge cannot be due to a bad suit or a wrinkled shirt. Nelson went as far as wrinkling his own shirts in an attempt to recreate the infamous bulge. His conclusion:

I’m putting myself at risk for exposing this. But this is too important. It’s not about my reputation. If they force me into an early retirement, it’ll be worth it if the public knows about this. It’s outrageous statements that I read that the president is wearing nothing under there. There’s clearly something there.

Bruce Hapke, Professor Emeritus of Planetary Science in the Department of Geology and Planetary Science at the University of Pittsburgh, reviewed the Bush images employed by Nelson. He agrees that the bulge is not a wrinkled shirt.

[Nelson’s processes are the] exact same methods we use to analyze images taken by spacecraft of planetary surfaces. It does not introduce any artifacts into the picture in any way.

[…] I would think it’s very hard to avoid the conclusion that there’s something underneath his jacket. It would certainly be consistent with some kind of radio receiver and a wire.

Dubya cheats. But then we’ve known that since the 2000 election.

The article is worth sitting through the ad if you don’t subscribe to Salon.