OK… I admit it. I don’t loath children, but I’m not necessarily a fan, either. I don’t treat them harshly, or anything. And lord knows I love my own to death. But I don’t look for excuses to borrow a few. When the other women pass the babies around, I usually prefer to enjoy them from a distance. And, yes, I do think kids are cute and there are times when I enjoy them a great deal.

But not in the middle of what is, for all intents and purposes, an adult party.

OK. It wasn’t really an adults-only party, and it was at Hometown Buffet, where there are plenty of kids. But when I arrived at the party, the only choices were to sit at a different table or take the only available seat next to birthday-boy’s niece. She is a precocious child of 10 who started in telling me the most gross doings of every single kid in her school and ended up regaling me with demonstrations of how she can look just like a squirrel, and a bunny rabbit, and a dog, and a… well, you get the idea. She was the only child there besides birthday-boy’s grand daughter, about 6 months old, who was good as gold and never made a peep. (you know, I’d love to hold her, but I have this cold… )

Birthday-boy has been my friend for ages and I don’t see him or his family that often. I sat at the end of one side of the table, and Niece From Hell sat between birthday-boy and I. So I was a captive audience. Any time I turned towards birthday-boy to talk to him, what I heard instead was and I can look just like a horsie, too! Watch! And do you know what Jimmy ate? I’ll show you what it looked like! All delivered in a rapid-fire staccato that killed any other possible conversation. The only way I could turn her off was to focus my attention on the person across the table from me, who I’ve also known for a long time and who has one of the most annoying voices I’ve ever heard — rather like fingernails on a chalk board.

Turn to left… And then Susie threw up right in the crayons. And I can be a puppy dog! Turn straight ahead… screeeeeeeeeeeeeccccchhhhh And what have you been up to? screeeeeeeccccchhhh

It was not the most enjoyable party I’ve ever been to. It was better after Niece From Hell left. Maybe it was just my cold that made me feel so curmudgeonly. Or maybe I’m just getting old.

Nah… that can’t be it…