San Jose Police Chief Rob Davis announced at a news conference that the mystery of the chili finger’s origin has been solved. Police, and the rest of the world, were fairly certain that Anna Ayala hoaxed finding the finger in her bowl of Wendy’s chili. In fact, she’s been charged with attempted grand theft because of the sales that Wendy’s allegedly lost. Personally, I never eat Wendy’s chili anyway.

But the burning question in my mind has been: where did she get the thing? Human fingers can’t be picked up at Wal-Mart.

Wendy’s had received a tip on its $100,000 reward line, and apparently the tip panned out. A man who lives in Nevada lost the finger in an industrial accident. He gave the finger to Ayala’s husband, Jaime Plascencia. Test confirmed that the Nevada man was the finger’s original owner.

Now the remaining questions are: why did the man who lost the finger hand it over to Plascencia? Was Plascencia in on the hoax? Was the Nevada man in on it?

More info, please, Chief Davis!

I don’t usually read spam, finding the delete key the most appropriate method of dealing with such emails. But it’s way early in the morning and I can’t sleep.

Today I received an offer touting “The Antidote,” a “unique Anti-Microbial Peptide” that “Kills Body Bacteria, Kills Body Virus and make your body Immunity System Healthy and Strong.” [sic]

I’m am promised that organizations “as varied as the BBC, ABC, and reputable doctors in the crocodile field have all given testimonials praising the power of the Antidote.”

Notwithstanding the fact that many “body bacterias” are actually beneficial and without them we’d have a harder time with functions like actually digesting the food we eat. And notwithstanding the fact that I don’t usually get my medical advice from either BBC or ABC.

Do I really want to take medical advice from a veterinarian? I can’t think what else a “doctor in the crocodile field” would be. Unless it’s someone who maybe has an office in the midst of the Florida everglades? But is that any better?

I think I’ll pass on clicking that link to find out…

Back in 1963 during an after-hours session at the Northwestern , Inc. studios, an unknown rock group called The Kingsmen recorded a simple song about a sailor longing for his lady. The lead singer, Jack Ely, was either hungover or had just had his braces tightened (depending on which version of the story you believe).

Louie Louie made it to #2 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. It’s success may have been fueled by rumors that the vocals were intentionally slurred to mask profanities of one kind or another (depending on which “real” version of the lyrics one reads). Many radio stations refused to play it. The governor of Indiana banned it from the entire state based only on the rumor, since nobody could understand the lyrics.

The FBI investigated, but in the end concluded that … nobody could understand the lyrics.

A few years ago the notion was suggested, rather tongue-in-cheek I believe, that Washington statue use Louie Louie as the state song. Nobody would be offended by it since… nobody could understand the lyrics.

Following a long, long tradition of believing what you can’t hear, Benton Harbor, Michigan School Superintendent Paula Dawning has ordered the McCord Middle School Band not to perform Louie Louie in Saturday’s Blossom Time Grand Floral Parade. The band is now trying desperately to learn a new song in time for the parade.

Said Dawning:

It was not that I knew at the beginning and said nothing. I normally count on the staff to make reliable decisions. I found out because a parent called, concerned about the song being played.

One wonders if perhaps Dawning has never considered that her staff may have made a reliable decision, and it’s the sole “concerned” parent who is out to lunch? Hopefully she will be laughed out of town and the kids will get to play the song they’ve practiced all year.

For those interested, Wikipedia has both the original lyrics and the Kingsmen’s version. Neither is obscene.

Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger. The Enforcer. Panzerkardinal. God’s Rottweiler. Head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (formerly known as “The Inquisition”). Dean of the College Of Cardinals.

Forevermore to be known as Benedict, the sixteenth of that name, he calls himself a “simple, humble worker in the vineyard of the Lord.”

Apparently Cardinal Ratzinger was chosen as a “transitional” pontiff. At 78, he can’t be expected to enjoy as long a reign as John Paul II. But transitional Popes can do unexpected things — John XXIII called the Second Vatican Council and turned the Church upside down. So one never knows.

I’m still laughing at the media, who seem to think that the whole “elect a new Pope” scene can be covered rather like a presidential election with no thought to solemn, religious and secret rite that it is. The reporters that I heard on the radio this morning were obviously dying that they wouldn’t know who had been elected any earlier than the mass of humanity gathered in St. Peter’s Square. They speculated ad nauseum that it probably would not be Ratzinger. I wonder if they have good recipes for crow?

And now they’ll have to find a new topic to entertain us with.

(The subject is not a typo. It means “they have a Pope”. I’m not Catholic.)

The only news from the Vatican came in the form of black smoke.

I bet the media are gnashing their collective teeth over their inability to scoop one another or to know what’s going on inside that conclave.

Personally, I’m glad to know there’s still one place left on earth that is out of bounds for the paparazzi.

There’s a rumor that the Homeland Security Threat Advisory System of colors and threat levels will be discontinued.

I’m sorry to announce that, should that prove to be the case, the Persistent Illusion Magical Lucky Charms level will also cease to be.

Requiescat in pace.